Sorry a wee diversion from my usual fare. I have been getting inundated by e-mails from very kind people I don’t even know who wish to deposit large amounts of money into my bank account. All my generous new friends ask is that I answer a few questions and send the details.

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Dear Friend Omar
You are an answer to prayer. God told me I would be helped by a stranger and you sent your e-mai. I can’t believe it. I am very very interested in your incredible offer please get in contact as soon as possible.

I hope these answer your questions (by the way some of the questions were a bit personal and odd but I have tried my best)

1. Your Full Name: James Daeye Thinkam Aneejit Petticrew
2. Your Contact Cell PhoneNumber: I have never been in prison and don’t think there would be phones in cells here, why did you assume I was in jail? It is a terrible slight on my character. I am confused why would you wish to trust a man who is in prison with all this money, surely we would both have to be trustworthy for this to work? Despite you impugning my character I have decided to trust you. I have a phone at home would that be ok?
3. Your Age: 55 and three quarters
4. Your Sex/Status: Well that is a bit private to be honest. We don’t normally discuss that stuff in Scotland. I would need to talk to my wife before sharing about the status of our sex life but broadly speaking no complaints. Just out of interest, how is yours going?
5. Your Occupations: Haggis Plucker
6. Your Country and City: Edinburgh, Scotland
7. Your Full Home/Office Address: 270 Oxgangs Road, Edinburgh, Eh13 9NB

I am very keen to make the transaction as soon as possible please phone me at this number so that I can give you my bank details 0131 311 3131

PS … because of our impending friendship and your tremendously generous offer I would like you to use my traditional Scottish name, in Scotland our friends call us by our middle names, these are special names only our friends can use. Here in Scotland friends can give each other special traditional names and as we are going to have such a special friendship I would like to bestow up on you Omar “Yeeslimy Con” its a traditional Gaelic name for someone who does you a great favour

Yours Sincerely

Daeye Thinkam Aneejit

PS the address and phone number is the local polis station 🙂